she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no

It was the second night I was spending with my boyfriend of one week at the time. It was our first time ever really being that intimate. We skimmed over a shitty version of twenty questions where we announced our body count, me leading with 52-6. We began making out and things started to get heated. I told him I was nervous. He responded "don't be" as if that would instantly eradicate all my worries. I told him I haven't had proper feelings for someone in a while. He said neither. He began moving down my body to position his head between my legs. I didn't say no but I let it happen. After what felt like 5 seconds he got up and reached over me to grab a condom. A condom that was placed on the window sill. A condom already in place for the sex we had not talked about having. We had never been intimate, and the discussion of sex had never been brought up. It was an assumption. An assumption that this is what I wanted.

It wasn't assault and it definitely wasn't rape but it made me uncomfortable. Like the guy who kept spanking you after you said you didn't like it rough. Like the guy who kept pressuring you for head because he was "this close". Like the guy who thought "I'm too tired for a second round" meant "seduce me until I'm ready". This blog is for those who feel as though their experiences aren't valid. Who feel as their lines of consent were blurred. Who feel like they have been taken advantage of. Who think:He wasn't violent so it wasn't assault. We were in a relationship so it wasn't rape. He was someone I gained a rapport with so it was fine. We didn't go all the way so it doesn't count. It was my idea to begin with so I was just getting what I signed up for.We need to stop thinking like this.

There are no blurred lines within consent. Yes means yes and no means no, anything else in between should be taken as a no. I have autonomy over my body. I can withdraw consent whenever I like. I can allow and disallow whomever I want access to my body. I have the right to change my mind. Consent is not the absence of a no. Consent isn't a one off question. It something that needs to be regularly addressed throughout. If you felt uncomfortable within a sexual context, your discomfort is valid. It does not have to be blatant rape to be something that was an uncomfortable experience. The anecdote above was from my first official boyfriend I had since 2015, and I don't even know if that could be considered as a relationship. After that the last person I had been intimate with who I had romantic feelings for was in 2017. Sleeping with a fling, a one night stand, and a monogamous partner are very different things. You have a lot less to lose in a one night stand. Often times I don't worry about their perception of me as there is a low chance of seeing them again. With a partner, it's different. It's a different type of intimacy. From the anecdote above, you can perceive that I wasn't ready to reach this kind of intimacy. On my end, I wanted to be in this relationship for the long haul. I wanted to gain that romantic connection I had been longing for. I was in no position to rush anything. Who would've thought the question of "Simpsons and chill?" would translate to "I'm ready for us to have sex". Because I had spoken about the general topic of sex so often, my boyfriend at the time had assumed I wanted to sleep with him. I still think about how I felt when I saw him reach for that condom. How I feel like he had suddenly decided what was right for me.I feel like my promiscuity gets grossly taken advantage of. I was first called a slut in year 12, when I had only slept with two people at the time. For those who've known me long enough you will remember my great "stop slut shaming" post of 2014. This status was met with multiple critics saying "no one will love you if you've slept around" "no man wants a slut" "how do you expect to find a real relationship?". It hurts to say that these comments still impact my relationships now. Will this guy not love me if I sleep with him on the first date? Will he get the wrong impression of me when he finds out I have an onlyfans account? It sucks that I have to worry about my present relationships because of the ones I've had in the past. My body count does not define me. It is not an automatic pass to my body. I am not going to cosplay a human fleshlight for your comfort. I will not be defined by a number when I have strength and my own voice. My count does not mean consent. In conclusion, you cannot make assumptions on consent based on someone's sexual history. You cannot assume someones worth based on their promiscuity. I am a self-proclaimed slut but that does not mean I will sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Your feelings are so so valid.