I’m taking a break

The other day I was browsing through my friends’ Instagram stories when I came across one of my friends with her new boyfriend with the caption “I love you”. All of a sudden I was riddled with anxiety, and upset to some degree. 

I really had to pause and unpack why seeing this made me feel such way. Did I subconsciously have feelings for the guy? Was I jealous of the girl or their relationship? Was I upset that they had only known each other for a few month and were throwing around the L word?These answers are still unknown. All I do know is that what I’ve been telling myself for the past 9 months is a lie. I don’t really think I am happy being single. 

From the dude I slept with two weeks ago who left his bong at mine after I told him not to, the guy I went on a date with last week who told me he cheated on his fiancé, or the guy from last month who told me I was too outgoing for him, I’ve come to the realisation that men are disappointing and I’m sick of wasting my time and energy for these short dick men who I’m genuinely not that fascinated by. 

I spoke to my good friend the other week about the variance of views we have on dating. She brought up the idea that I viewed dating as a hobby, and I can’t help but agree with her. A quick google sees a hobby being defined as an activity that one does during their leisure time for pleasure, and this is exactly how I was treating dating. Something to occupy my time. If I was so sure of who I was and focused on becoming the best version of myself like how I’ve constantly told myself, why would I spend hours of my free time trying to entertain these stinky men? “I’m happy being single!” Sure Gabby, but explain why you averaged an hour a day on Tinder last week? 

I’m living a farce. I need to become comfortable with being alone. I need to be patient. I need to make the most of having myself as my main priority. This week I have been focused on expanding my photography business and working on my Instagram as a means of designing a proper business model. I’m going camping with my best friend this week and I’ve hired someone to design and re-write my resume. I’m investing in my future, and if a man wants to be in that well shit, he’ll have to barge in riding in a horse-ridden carriage with time, love, and energy ready to spare.