I’ve had water in my ear for a week; here’s why

If The Simpsons taught me anything, it’s that you don’t win friends with salad, Powersauce bars are just apple cores and old Chinese newspapers, and that one thing I’ve always wanted to try is a sensory deprivation tank. Witnessing Lisa’s hallucinations and Homer’s wild ride really sold me on the idea of floating naked in a body of water for one whole hour. 

I figured I should do some proper research on what these float tanks do, rather than basing my knowledge off of a 90s cartoon. In layman terms, a sensory deprivation tank is where you lie in a body of water designed to keep you afloat while in pure silence and darkness. The epsom salt keeps you afloat while the magnesium aims to reduce any muscle pain and helps soothe anxiety. The water is formulated to match up with your natural body temperature, not too hot nor too cold. I’m not yet a floatation expert, so you're better to just use google to find an exhaustive list of health benefits.

I heard about Beyond Rest Prahran when a girl from my uni course turned micro-influencer uploaded a photo set pictured in front of these dystopian like tanks. My heart said yes, but my bank account said no. That was up until last week, when I was having a rough day at work and Beyond Rest had emailed me that they were reopening the following day. It was a sign. I had never booked something as quick as I had booked into a one hour float session. I arrived 15 minutes before my session and stepped into what I thought was heaven crossed with a scene from Gattaca. Revs-like incense was burning, mood lights were activated, and a calming melody was churning. Additionally, upon entering you are asked to remove your shoes. I was at peace, yet at the same time I felt like I was about to begin a probing ritual. The woman at reception asked what kind of audio I wanted to play at the beginning and at the end of my float. I could choose between calming music or a guided meditation. I decided to go with the music as I would be more likely to take the piss out of a guided meditation, rather than enjoy the relaxing experience.  She also asked me what inspired to try out floating and I had to be honest with her and tell her it was The Simpsons. to my surprise her response was “It’s always either The Simpsons or Joe Rogan”. Go figure.

Another woman led me to my room which had the big ol’ tanky boi free standing in the middle. In the room was a shower head supplied with shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and a vinegar ear solution that in hindsight I regret not using, but I will return to that later. They also provide you with ear wax (which once again, I should’ve used), bandaids to cover any open wounds, a towel, and copious amounts of hand sanitiser. 

So what is floating actually like? IT IS SO FUN! IT IS THE MOST FUN I HAVE HAD IN SUCH A LONG TIME. But also that was the issue, it’s not meant to be fun. It’s been to be a relaxing journey of mindfulness. You’re not meant to spend the first 40 minutes floating back and forth and side to side like a little kid in the waves pool, something I DEFINITELY didn’t do...The lights turned off after about 5 minutes, and the music shortly after. It was now just me, my thoughts, and my bare coochie. *WOULD NOT RECOMMEND IF YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC*. Also I made sure to pee beforehand because my biggest fear wasn’t drowning, but rather peeing in a tank which probably cost the equivalent of a small country. That being said, you are able to open the tank anytime within your session, I’m just not sure how it affects the time you have remaining. About halfway through I got water in my eye which basically BLINDED me and I was so close to pressing the emergency button on the side, but then I thought about it further and decided it’s probably not a good idea for someone to see me butt naked with my coochie out with my eyes absolutely blinding me. Instead I flicked the light button on (which you can do at any point of time in case you are afraid of the dark) and noticed a spray bottle hanging off a hook inside the tank. I sprayed a bit into my eyes before realising this spray bottle might just contain the exact same water in the tank. Lucky for me, it wasn’t, and after flushing my eye out for what felt like eternity, I was finally able to see. After that whole ordeal, I really did try to relax, but it was far more easy said than done. I kept becoming distracted by the slimy feel of the water against my body, and the anxieties of getting water in my eye again. Just as I was getting used to floating naked inside a dark tank, fresh water started rushing out from the end of the tank, signaling the end of my session. I was warned however that the first session is a lot of getting used to the environment and noticing how your body reacts accordingly, which is why they suggest multiple sessions as opposed to the one. Oops, guess I’ll just have to book again! And before anyone asks, NO I did not hallucinate. 

After your float you are given the option to spend as much time as you like in the designated “chill out” area. Here you will find heaps of books (on a super cool bookshelf I might add), tea, water, some comfy chairs, and an all-round perfect post-float atmosphere. Here I was able to speak to a lovely woman who had also just finished her float. She was a far more experienced floater and told me how floating at least once a month had helped with her arthritis. Most float places will suggest coming back for multiple sessions in order to achieve the best results, as clearly my first session wasn’t exactly the relaxation break-through of the century. There is also a cute little vanity room which features a hair dryer, a comb, some more sanitiser, and is basically the perfect room to fix yourself up after a float. They really did think of everything. After my float I noticed my breathing was more relaxed. I felt calm and at ease. I didn’t try to rush the post-float glow and tried to really embrace the calming feeling. Even when I went for lunch afterwards my body felt so nice to just sit and bask in the sun’s glory. I wish I could say this feeling lasted me into the night, but I ended up getting drunk that afternoon so I don’t think I can give an accurate review of the short-term benefits. 

Now to finally address the title of the blog. I’ve had water in my ear since last Wednesday. It is now Monday at the time of writing. Every time I burp, yawn, move my head in a certain direction, I feel a crunch in my ear. Ear drops didn’t work. Please someone call 000. Thank you. But in all seriousness, if you do go for a float please clean out your ears!! And use the relevant products provided that are actually there for this exact reason!!! 

Anyway I hope this blog was helpful if you were deciding on whether or not to try out this amazing gravitational experience for yourself. Unfortunately I do not yet have a discount code, but I promise it’s worth every dollarydoo.